


threat level midnight

by Pandasushiroll



Category: Marvel
Genre: Babysitting, Gen, Teenage Drama, Threat level Midnight, Tony and Steve babysit and its a disaster, Tony-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:47:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24292312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pandasushiroll/pseuds/Pandasushiroll
Summary: May leaves Tony and Steve in charge of looking after the kids. It's a horrible idea.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	threat level midnight

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Azrael (TheAzrael)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAzrael/gifts).



> A gift for a sweet bb.

"You're sure you don't need me to stay?" 

She's halfway out the door and they're so close to sending her on vacation. Steve has her bags, he keeps trying to walk in step with her but she keeps changing direction so he’s just shuffling back and forth in a seemingly endless loop. 

"Yes. We're sure." Tony says from over the rim of his glass. 

"Because you know I can stay if you need me to--"

"May if you don't get into that cab I'll have one of the wizards teleport you there without your bags.” 

Finally, poor Steve is able to drop the bags at the car and they manage to usher her off. He huffs like he’s just run a marathon when he jogs back up to Tony’s side. He’s holding a piece of paper. Tony squints at it. “What’s that?”

“It’s…” Steve starts gravely, “A list of instructions and emergency contacts.”

“ _ Instructions?  _ What for? They’re teenagers, what's the worst that can happen?”

The words that should never be uttered. Ever. It's like a curse. The curse starts with a call. 

Tony is in his lab, tinkering away, toiling on his latest gadget. Something for his suit. FRIDAY answers for him. Then, after a moment, "It's Cap, boss."

"Put him on."

Steve is a little too calm when he says. "Midnight."

"Fucking, pardon?" 

"We're at a level midnight, Tony."

Tony takes a moment to throw a silent prayer up to the sky for himself. A level midnight, for a frame of reference, is in the event of a third World War occurring. He glances at the clock. 

"How in the world are we at a level midnight? May has only been gone for a few hours."

A sharp inhale. "...It's. Pretty bad."

Tony drags himself away from his work bench and up the stairs. It takes him all of ten minutes to get to the living room and he walks in to find that the panic in Steve's overly calm down is highly warranted. 

The kids are having a hangout or a slumber party or something. (Before this evening Tony would have considered them adults, but alas.) In total there are seven. 

Gwen is glaring daggers at Miles (their newest edition) because his hand seems to be stuck to the side of her head with super glue or whatever the fuck the spider kids have on their hands. Peter and his girlfriend are beside them, and the kid's girlfriend is in tears because--

"What the hell is in her hair?" 

Steve sighs. "Webs. I think."

Peter, bless him, is frantically trying to pull the webs out of her hair which is honestly not helping because she's just wincing and crying and  _ distressed _ . 

Peter's friend Ned is on the floor and the other girl--MJ is chuckling quietly and pressing a bag of frozen peas to his head. Harry has just emerged from  _ somewhere _ and he's holding a set of hair shears. 

"Is there a dead kid on my floor?"

"No." 

"What the hell happened?" 

Apparently, this can all be traced back to Harry and his ability to issue the World's Dumbest Challenges. The short version of it is, one of them bet the other that they could hit something with a web and somehow Ned ended up with a head injury, Felicia ended up with webs in her hair, and Gwen now has a kid's hand stuck to her head. 

"Disengage," Tony commands. Miles looks ready to burst into tears. He tries to pull his hand away but he tows Gwen's head along with him. She winces, and tries to pry his hand off herself. 

He doesn’t.

They end up having to shave half Gwen’s head and putting Felicia through a chemical bath. She was  _ not  _ pleased. Ned isn’t permanently damaged--there was just...a stray bowl of popcorn spilled on the floor. The rest of the kids are gone and now it’s just Gwen with a shaved section of hair and Peter looking like he has a frog in his mouth.

Steve is giving them the patented Rogers Stare of Judgement and all Tony wants to do is go back to his workshop. 

“Okay. So. What have we learned?” Steve says.

Tony sighs. “That we should never be put in charge of children. His Aunt is gonna flip shit.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“Gwen’s head is shaved and Peter looks about ready to throw up. One time, she lectured me for three hours because I accidentally took Peter to a strip club.”

Steve levels the Look at him. “You did  _ what? _ ”

Peter flushes. Gwen snorts. “Bet he freaked out.”

“I did  _ not.” _

“Silence in the peanut gallery.” Tony snarks, exasperated. “The next time you volunteer us for charity work, Rogers, I’m adding a bunch of zippers to your suit and we’re changing your name to Captain Ass Zipper okay?”


End file.
